MOM; and INTROSPECTION

Jan 28, 2020

The Mind’s Eye Final Concept

The Mind’s Eye Sketch: Drawn years ago and the inspiration for the concept

My mom passed away two years ago on the night of January 28. Strangely, that night, I had dreamt with her. I had felt her presence in a very potent way. I received the call from my sister at 3am. It was a jarring call. It shell shocked my conscience. My reality or how I made sense of it, was torn apart. She was such a bigger than life figure. Endlessly optimistic and extremely wise. She had been my tether.

I remember having the deliberate thought that I needed to be strong for my sister. I couldn’t allow myself to plunge into my grief until I made sure she was in a good place. I thought she needed a constant and I feared that I would lose two family members.

Therefore, I dove into my work and receded deep into myself. I subconsciously went on autopilot. Unfortunately, my grief did not go away. It was at the peripheral. Looming. Sharpening his claws. Waiting for me to acknowledge him. Once in a while, especially while out in public when my guard was down, he would strike. I would find myself darting to the nearest bathroom to empty the contents of my eyes. Must have been allergy season.

In retrospect, this was probably not the healthiest way to deal with him. I forgot the man that I had been building and instead wore this man suit that had a few program responses that would pass as human. I allowed a few unhealthy situations to enter into my life. Perhaps searching for something outside of me that reflected how I felt. A scapegoat.

However, something miraculous happened in the second half of last year. An awakening. My road to Damascus. It triggered a healing journey into the universe inside me.

Since then, I’ve been rediscovering and falling deeply in love with this beautiful flawed complex panda-loving being within. I’m also learning to extend the same grace to those around me; understanding that they are not one thing or the other. Finding that those convenient compartment-friendly labels I place on them are my own projections. What I thought were good instincts were merely a conglomeration of my own experiences. Humans are black and white and everything in between simultaneously.

In any case, this is the first year I have allowed myself to grieve my mom. I didn’t know just how much I had held back. I allowed barbed-edged thoughts I had imprisoned such as “she’ll never get to meet my kids” to flood through my mind. It felt draining but also cathartic. Loss is messy business so I expect that there will be quite a journey ahead of me still.

• Dennis Gatz

Model Katie in studio for the photoshop assets

Fun fact: This was my mom’s favorite picture after I showed her my work.